So my neighbor has been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop while am out Uber-ing, right? I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I found a humane citronella collar for them, that way when the dog barks, it shoots out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don’t like it. Don’t worry this gets good. I get ready to go drive this morning, so I figured I’d set the collars up. I filled it with the stuff and that’s where my morning should have ended. But no, it’s me, and my dumb butt decided to figure out how it works. So now I’m standing on my back porch “barking” at the collar, right? I feel like an idiot, nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” check list one more time. So, I bark… nothing happens. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but I put the collar around my neck, and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to my face!! I was coughing my lungs out which made this stupid collar spray out more shit. Now, I’m basically dying, trying to breathe, with my dogs looking at me like I’m stupid. So between coughing and yelling for help, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. Mind you, this whole time, I’m trying to get the collar off, but I’m in such a panic, I can’t figure it out. I finally get the collar off and threw the thing half way across the yard, sit in the chair trying to get the smell out of my nose. I decide to take a break and all I can think is why did I do this??? I was distracted by laughter.MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe. He finally calms down and goes, “I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn’t make it”. I was so embarrassed, I didnt know what to do or say, so I just went in to shower so I wouldn’t be smelling like freaking Tiki Torch. So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off and 2. remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I probably won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!..and now that even though this does sound like something I’d do, I hate to break the news that it’s a “copied” story that gave me a good chuckle so feel free to do the same too funny not to shar ROFLOL:grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:
I guess ppl looking at me like I’m crazy, because I fell out crying laughing:rofl:
The worse thing is… I could really see me do this & so can my neighbors.
It makes me happy that I got ya all laughing. Comedy is sooo much better than drama!
That’s just about the funniest thing I’ve ever read:rofl:thank you for sharing
Dude, totally something I would do. When I first got my dog, she was 7 weeks old and chewing EVERYTHING. I bought some bitter spray to deter her. Of course, I needed to know just how bitter it was, if my dog was going to be tasting it.
PSA: Do not taste the bitter spray. That horrible taste didn’t leave my mouth for hours.
I used the citronella collar on a barky Irish setter. Two blasts and all she needed was to have the collar on without being turned on to not bark. Bear in mind Irish setters are not known for their intelligence. Only two squirts and she was done barking, forever.
In honor of your wonderful story, I humbly submit…
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 – My left eye will not open.
5 – My right eye will not close.
6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Omgoodness! Do not read the above without peeing first!!!
Haven’t scrolled the comments section yet, so someone probably already said: MAN! Would I ever love to be the America’s Funniest Videos owner of THIS scenario!!!
This was so well written that I could visualize every moment. Having the visual I too laughed hysterically although was concerned about the toxins being ingested. Whether true or not thank you for a great laugh at what could be reality.